TOKYOMANGO

Get your hand-printed limited edition TokyoMango t-shirt now (2 weeks only)

My friend Ben and I made a test run of TokyoMango t-shirts on Saturday. They're really nice, do you want one? If so, you can buy one here. Below are the details:

- All shirts are 100% cotton.
- Each t-shirt will be hand-silk screened by me and Ben on his Yudu machine. The shirt logo was custom-designed by Ben. Mango design courtesy of my web designer James.
- The Women's tees come in a t-shirt style (pistacio and white) and a spaghetti strap ribbed tank (yellow).
- The Men's tees come in orange and white. In the pic above, Ben is actually accidentally wearing a girl's tee, but you get the idea... the sleeves will be more manly on the one you get.
- You can choose a custom colored tee for $25. Just shoot me an email with your preference after you place the order.
- The sizes tend to run a little big (except for the tanktops). They might shrink in the wash.
- Some of you will receive a free surprise Japanese toy or gadget with your t-shirt! I'm just gonna randomly stick them into bags, so keep an eye out.
- We're taking orders over the next two weeks only, at least for this first printing. They'll ship at the end of those two weeks, when Ben & I will silkscreen them by hand.
- Last day to order is Monday, October 5th.

UPDATE: T-shirts are no longer for sale. Maybe we'll do another round sometime!

Secret scoop: Otakus planning a revolution.

In the news recently, stories of attacks on the otaku community in Akiba by punk ass youth who target these poor uber-geeks because they are totally defenseless AND they carry tons of money to buy Gundam toys with. Well, most people don't know this yet, but the otakus are planning a major attack on the punks in the very near future. The exact date is a secret, but I can tell you this: It's going to be crazy. Like, the way Nostradamus predicted the world would end. The revolutionary coup will involve never-before-used weapons such as idol trading cards and golden bazookas, and will result in the addition of a fifth island to the Japanese archipelago constructed with spare gadget parts in the shape of Mario's head.

Stay tuned for more breaking news on this topic.

New DoCoMo handset reminiscent of a sexy night out...or an aquarium.

Does your cell phone look like a fancy neon-lit bar in SoHo? DoCoMo's new handset, the N702iS, is the vision of designer Oki Sato, and each of the cute little bubblies on its shell has a function. Some of them are speakers, one's a camera, one's a mini-flashlight, and the others are notifications for new mail and missed calls. (Can you guess which is which?) And look at that charger! I want to eat it, it looks like jello on panna cotta. It comes in three colors--mineral water, strawberry milk, and caffe latte. And I'm not making that up.

(From Jean Snow's Japan Times article.)

Straight men can wear cute gay panties too.

I know dsquared is Canadian, but I still think it's notable that these undies, clearly inspired by Brokeback Mountain and featuring two fully nude males (except for their hats and boots), is being promoted as "cute AND sexy" on Rakuten.

Alyssa's Japanese lesson video!

Don't speak any Japanese? Can't tell when yes means no and no means no? Get your shit straight with Alyssa's Japanese lesson video.

Mysterious death of an Imperial Guard--the REAL truth.

A very suspicious story about a dead Imperial Guard officer on the palace grounds in Tokyo today. The news reports claim it was an apparent suicide, but I find it very hard to believe that a dedicated 19 year old servant of the royal family would shoot himself in the head. Besides, Japanese people would much rather jump off train tracks than pick up a handgun. So I did some digging on my own, and here's what I think based on some top-secret investigative leads:

1. Dick Cheney accidentally shot him.
2. Colonel Mustard killed him in the bathroom with a five-pound block of soap.
3. The crown prince did it because he couldn't figure out why his wife's baby boy looked like the guy guarding his secret Ultraman collection.

Read what the ignorant real news reporters think here.

White-gloved Super Shuttle man.

I am flying on an airplane today!

Last time I flew was to go to New York City. I took Super Shuttle to the airport. A middle aged Japanese man got on at the downtown Sheraton. I thought he was funny because he put on white gloves every time he had to carry his suitcases on and off the shuttle. To protect his hands from getting calloused, maybe? Or to protect his suitcase from getting grimy?

I might never find out the answer. Unless, by some miracle, he is on my Super Shuttle again today. You just never know.

This penguin does not have coprophobia.

I keep trying to get off the poo theme, but then I'll come across something like a penguin with a giant turd for a head. So cool! And then I realize that as long as I'm blogging about Japan, I will always be blogging intermittently about poo.

Dear Squeamish Readers,

I'm sorry about the too-frequent-for-comfort poo references. I hope it doesn't deter you from visiting my site for non-poo-related tidbits from Japan. Perhaps you should try to overcome your coprophobia (medical term for fear of feces) by buying this wonderful prop at a Halloween store near you.

Reach enlightenment in just seconds.

Meditating is hard. I've tried everything from those fluffy self-awareness classes taught by white women with long hair in Berkeley to sitting on a little cushion reciting chants from a book while facing a wall in a traditional Soto Zen Buddhist temple in Nishi Azabu. Today, I still cannot sit still for more than a few minutes unless I'm in an airplane. So I had to find another way to reach enlightenment, and this is what I found. A Buddha mask that will immediately make you look stone cold, statuesque, and...meditative.

OOOOHHHMMMMMM......

Male gals get their day in the sun

You can uncross your fingers now, pretty boys. Gal fashion is now readily available for men who like to dress in racy thongs and t-shirts with bad English on them on an entire floor of the infamous gal department store, 109-2. Hundreds of boys flocked the shops on its opening day. Hooray, now you can be a Gyaru-o, too!

I think it's great how consumerism in Japan embraces niche cultures just as much as the mainstream. Otakus and cross-dressers in America are screaming for the same avenues of legitimacy that their Japanese counterparts now have. But all they've got is Wired Magazine and the Folsom Street Fair. And MySpace.

(Full story and photo courtesy of Mainichi Daily News.)

The story of Professor Grope-a-lot

A fifty-something year old teacher was fired today, mostly because he's fucked up in the head and has severly impaired judgment. When a student of his requested a private meeting, he took it as an invitation to stick his tongue in her mouth, shove his hand in her blouse, and lift up her skirt. "I thought she liked me because I had 13 private lessons with her over the summer," he said.

Mr. Private Teacher Man, are you okay in the head? Since when does "Please take a look at my homework" mean "Please take a look at my panties?"

LED Jellyfish, your ideal pet.

Are you sick of your goldfish? Is a dog too high maintenance for you? You should consider getting a LED jellyfish tank. These five-toned silicone squirmers will float in and out of your dreams and automatically turn off after 2 hours. Cool huh? 14,000 yen. Comes out end of November.

Reserve yours here.

Sex, dares, and the truth we discovered after school, part 2

(Sorry. I fell asleep after dinner last night. Here's the continuation of this story.)

Kyoko didn't run up to fulfill her dare like we expected. Instead, she stood under a tree, holding her stomach, looking like she was about to cry. Her friend patted her shoulder sympathetically.

Had we done something wrong? Was she feeling sick? Was Truth or Dare an inherently evil game that reared its ugly head via this seemingly benign question? I glanced over at Derek. The 12-year old hunk was eagerly climbing the jungle gym in his gray sweatpants. He's so hot, I thought to myself.

Not sure exactly what to do with this awkward situation we'd inadvertently created, we sent a representative over to assess. The rest of us followed, forming a circle around the two Japanese school girls, feigning compassion when all we were was curious.

"Hey, what's wrong?" we asked.

Kyoko was too shook up to talk, so her friend--who will remain anonymous because I don't remember anything about her except that she said this--explained in a desperate whisper: "Kyoko isn't sure if she can hug Derek right now because she's scared she might get pregnant. She has her period!"

OK. So even though most of us hadn't even gotten our first periods yet, we all knew from sex-ed class that this was ridiculous. But we managed to keep those artificial concerned looks on our faces as we gently explained that the chances of getting knocked up from a fully clothed hug while menstruating were pretty slim. Meanwhile, one of our delegates headed over to the jungle gym and brought Derek over so he could give Kyoko a sympathy hug for being so ignorant.

Why do I tell this story? Because this was the first time I encountered the extreme lack of sex education and information in the Japanese school system. I think this is related to why Japanese men would rather buy panties from a vending machine than get laid and why abortion is the number two method of birth control. Of course, Japan's not the only place where this is a problem. (And by this, I mean sex education, not panty vending machines--I think the latter is uniquely Japanese.) It's not like Bush's abstinence campaign is any better.

In closing, I dedicate this story to Mr. Green and Mrs. Clevenger, who armed us with the tools to empower one Japanese school girl to just drop her fears and hug.

Special raw egg soy sauce!

Americans get all queasy and paranoid when it comes to eating raw egg, but it's an important part of the Japanese diet. Now, you can even buy special soy sauce just for raw egg on rice, which we lovingly call "tamago gohan."

Somebody should raise American chickens that lay eggs healthy enough to eat raw. Because it's so freaking yummy!

Smap Eyed Peas

I saw this awesome SmapXSmap episode one night while having dinner at my favorite ramen shop in San Francisco. See Will.i.am impress the crowd with his knowledge of Japanese pop culture references and talk of the phone call from Michael Jackson in Bahrain. And Fergie rocks her shit with the boy band by performing London Bridge in their tacky neon studio.

By the way, I totally know why Will knows so much about Japanese culture. It's because he used to date a Japanese girl, like, a decade ago. And I know this because he told me so while I was rolling a j for him, Taboo, and Will in a college dorm room, back when they didn't have Fergie and were trying to solicit roadies while giving free performances at liberal arts colleges.

Back then, Will's email address was its1pea@aol.com. If any of you try it, let me know if he writes back. Then maybe I can say, hey remember me? We played videogames together before you were a hot shot.

Amuro is going! And everyone is cheering.

Tokyo Game Show was this weekend. I didn't go, and if you didn't either, you can live vicariously through these one thousand identical Japanese ladies in red shoes and capris, who--obviously--were there, and got to see Toru Furuya, an original Gundam voice actor, stand in front of a crowd of 160,000 super geeks and say, "Amuro Ikimasu!" (Famous Gundam tag line, apparently. Means "Amuro is going!")

Sex, dares, and the truth we discovered after school

The first time I saw a condom was in 4th grade. Mr. Green and Mrs. Clevenger took it gently out of its wrapper and let us play with it. Maybe they even put it on a banana, I don't remember. But I do know that we were aware of how babies are made by the time we were 12 years old and compulsively playing Truth or Dare in Arisugawa Park after school.

Truth or Dare was a good game, because you got to tell boys you liked them without feeling accountable for the admission, and because sometimes, you even got to hug them. There were always about 6 girls and 2 boys (usually Derek, a tall flirty Brit, and Masa, whom everyone called "papa") from my class, plus a couple of girls from a prestigious nearby Japanese middle school who joined us for the thrill. They were a couple years older, maybe 15 years old. One of the girls was named Kyoko,* and one day, it was Kyoko's turn to take a dare.

"Truth or dare." we said.

"Dare."

Since she wasn't one of us, we thought we'd keep it simple. "Kyoko, I dare you to hug Derek!" we said. What Kyoko said next shocked us all.

(To be continued after I eat my dinner...)

*Name has been changed for privacy purposes, and because I can't freaking remember her name.  Oh, and I found this pretty photo of  our beloved park here.

Japanese politics: the man who can explain it all and make you laugh.

Does the political scene in Japan put you in a confused frenzy? Do hours of contemplating why Abe got elected prime minister leave you in a cerebral pretzel? Well, there's a man out there who can explain the most intricate factional labyrinth to you in a nutshell. Gerald Curtis. I salute you for teaching the best politics class ever in the whole world. For painting these hard-shelled Japanese men who run the country as simple humans that we lay people can understand. According to Professor Curtis, Abe is an ideologue where Koizumi was a sentimentalist.

Read Professor Curtis' opinion on Shinzo Abe's challenges here. Or get one of his books on Amazon. They're actually really insightful and fun.
(Thanks, Mary, for sending me the article!)

The Logic of Japanese Politics by Gerald L. Curtis = 5/5 stars
The Japanese Way of Politics by Gerald L. Curtis = 4/5 stars

Hot girl on video influences PS3 price??

Sony's Ken Kutaragi must have finally seen this video! He announced at the Tokyo Game Show today that he would lower the price of the 20GB version in Japan to just under 50,000 yen. Yaay!

Cell phone strap celebrating the post-Koizumi era

Do you miss the days of the wanna-be hipster prime minister? Koizumi's reign is over, and now we have to leave it toShinzo Abe to find creative ways to relate to George W Bush. (Koizumi once busted out singing Elvis songs on diplomatic visits.) Let reality sink in by attaching this miniature replica of the ex-pm sandwiched inside a Japanese post office box to your cell phone. There's even a mini slot under his nose for outgoing mail!

Buy yours here.

"Meow meow" means please don't kill me, you crazy bitch!

This is Masako Bando. The 48-year old award-winning novelist qualifies her self-proclaimed love for animals ("It is because of my pets that I'm able to prevent my "fountain of love" from running completely dry") by throwing newborn felines off of cliffs in Tahiti and writing about her insights on life and death. Her defense? That throwing kittens is no different--in fact, less inhumane--than the spay and neuter standard. Good luck selling that story to the French Polynesian government, lady. Cuz I think they're planning to prosecute you.

Haruki Murakami's Kafka on the Shore is a great novel with a intriguing cat killer in it. But unlike Ms. Bando, Murakami does not actually kill cats.

(Full story here.)
(Japundit thinks she's crazy, too.)

This man eats way too many bonbon chocolates.

And you thought YOU were a foodie. 28-year old Kei Kurusu was on TV yesterday because he has spent a million bucks on food and has eaten at over 6,000 restaurants. "I've had 55,000 bonbon chocolates -- my favorite!" he boasts on his blog. Kei wakes up at 5AM every morning and buys one of each type of bread at early-rising bakeries and patisseries. Then, he makes his rounds at ramen and curry joints during lunch. At night he frequents popular sushi restaurants, and finishes off his day with candied night caps. I couldn't find any pictures of him, but you can check out his Top 30 rankings for almost every category of French cuisine imaginable (in Japanese).

Yes, you can get a DS Lite in Japan.

Stop paying those greedy online auction vendors extra money for a DS Lite. Nintendo's handheld game console is sold out in Japan, but you can buy the awesome cell phone strap version for only 150 yen. I actually prefer this non-working, miniature one. It comes in red, and it has a permanent picture of Mario on it. That pretty much does it for me.

Get yours here

Too excited over the Korean baseball player?

Alas, the professional pervert trend has infiltrated the media. Masashi Funakoshi, the chief announcer of Nippon Television, was demoted for sexually harassing a female reporter sitting next to him while they were broadcasting a Giants game. Who can blame him? Maybe he just got too excited when Lee Seung Yeop hit a home run. Did I tell you how out of control the Korean boy craze in Japan has become?

You never know when you'll need pepper.

Next time a friend invites you over for dinner and the food is bland, just pretend you're making a phone call and give your plate an inconspicuous sprinkle.

This is what Koizumi REALLY went to Yasukuni Shrine for.

What's holier than God? Poop, of course. The Japanese really, really worship poop. So much so that this golden poop--which sits on a custom royal red cushion and is protected by a screen of good fortune--is sold at shrines all over the country. Its cell phone strap counterpart has sold over 2.7 million units. I shit you not!

You can get your own golden poop here. Or enter my golden poop contest!

Clue to Mario World found in Wakayama

Maybe you don't believe in Santa Claus anymore. Maybe you don't even believe in Superman. But I hope you're not so jaded that you don't believe Mario World is simply a fabrication of Nintendo. There HAS to be a place where Italian plumbers in red and green overalls eat giant magic mushrooms that make them spit fire and grow fox tails and fly and get hit by bullets 20x bigger than them. Doesn't there?

One woman believed there had to be. So she put on her hiking shoes, kissed her children goodbye, and trekked through the mountains of Wakayama in search of the holy land. After many days of sleeping on rocks and following obscure noises she deciphered as Princess Peach's SOS calls, she came across this giant mushroom. Heart thumping, feet trembling, she took one bite...and the doors to Mario World were opened.

(Ok, the Mario part of that story isn't true. But a woman really did find this giant mushroom while hiking in Wakayama yesterday. It's edible, but it won't make you bigger.)

I drive an Acura.

Today, Toyota announced their plan to take over the world. They plan to sell 9.8 million cars in 2008, which would put them ahead of GM. Japan on top of the US! Unthinkable, unless you're talking about the number of professional perverts there are. (Maybe.)

The main reason for Toyota's recent success and global dominance ambitions is the Prius, which has kicked ass against high gas prices. But those of us who have seen the ominous South park episode--where the "smug" from Prius owners destroys San Francisco--might opt for this oh so good looking Lexus LS460, introduced two days ago.

Bored half Japanese girl video on YouTube

Curious how to play the Japanese version of a staring contest? You can learn that and much more--like how to make a angry face, grow a basil plant, and prevent aging--by watching Alyssa's "bored girl" video, slated to appear on a British comedy show soon:

My mouse is cuter than your mouse.

I was sitting at my desk at the Wired office yesterday, reading about lithium ion batteries, when my mouse said, "I'm sick of being naked!"

So I went to the Dress-a-Mouse shop recommended by Slashdot and invested $100 on a Chinese chipao-style mouse dress. I had to sell my PlayStation2 to buy it, but you know what? A woman in Japan hand crafted this using intricate lace and wool, alright? Totally worth the investment. Check out the rest of the styles here.

Jean Snow, you rocked the Japan Times today

....with your feature about the top designers from Japan. The Japan Times is not known for its talented art department, but whoever did this page must have been inspired by the characters profiled here, including those behind the art of Uniqlo, Muji, the Meiji milk carton, and other fun stuff.

On a separate note, Jean Snow and I met Gundam this past summer. It was amazing. He is huuuuge! His head was like the size of a meteor.

Asuka Shimizu and I are just robots.

This is Asuka Shimizu. She was my best friend in kindergarten. Every morning, we had to be in our jolly little homeroom at 8:15AM. I don't know how I felt about school back then. We finger-painted, sang nursery rhymes, played tag, and held hands, but I didn't really feel like I was learning anything substantial. I cried during lunch and didn't sleep during nap time. The only thing I remember being really attached to was my teacher Barbara and the white teddy bear Asuka brought to school every day.

Asuka's dad owned a dojo in Shibuya. He was very big and very scary. I went to his Judo class once and never went back again. Later in life, Asuka became a celebrity and also ran her dad's dojo. I saw her about 5 years ago for the first time in nearly two decades. We visited our kindergarten and the same teachers were there, and they said, "Hey! Asuka and Lisa!" And we were like, wtf?? How the hell....?

The only explanation I can think of is that kids are actually robots, and teachers have programmed us to develop according to complex proprietary algorithms that make us feel and look distinct. But really, we're just robots.

There's a new prime minister, and space for 2 more in my black hawk.

Japan's new prime minister was elected by the LDP today.

SA: I won! I won! I'm the new prime minister of Japan! I kicked Aso and Tanigaki's butts real bad. I took more than half the votes. I think this is what they call a landslide victory. Of course, I always knew I would because there's so much politics behind Japanese politics, and it was all in my favor anyway. But now I can say anything I want!! Aso can kiss my ass with his crooked lips, and Tanigaki can use my butt crack to polish his balding head.

LK: Oh...Okay. But what are you going to to about the aging population, declining birth rate, the disenfranchised youth, the stagnant economy, the lingering sexism and racism, fragile relations with our East Asian neighbors, and our puppy-master relationship with the United States? I mean, I love my country and all, but thank god the Israeli army loaned me a black hawk. I don't think I want to stick around to hear any more of your shit talking. See ya!

(News clip from Crisscross)

I heart clean toilets.

Akihabara is famous for being geek heaven, but starting in October it will also host the first public luxury toilet facilites in Chiyoda Ward. For 100 yen, commuters using the central exit at Akiba station are guaranteed a clean, aromatic, well-guarded toilet facility, complete with an information center and a separate smoking section. A survey revealed that only 3% of public toilet users are women. (Don't ask me why such statistics exist. This is Japan, the country that loves "shimoneta," or stories about things that happen below your waist and above your thighs.)

I have two questions for Chiyoda Ward:
1. What about people who like to smoke while they poo?
2. Are you screening their security guards to make sure they don't have tendencies toward climbing over toilet stalls and molesting women?

(via Slashdot Japan)

Golden bazooka attack!

I should have blasted those crazy ass school girls with this! Kaneko's new Golden Bazooka is more blinged out than Ali G and more powerful than a Soviet rocket launcher. Just put the golden warhead (which is actually a party cracker with strings of silver-and-gold confetti) into the golden barrel, slip the golden sight forward to hook onto the shell, prop the shiny mother fucker on your shoulder, and engage it by pulling back with the golden trigger with your right hand. It's being marketed as a Halloween prop, but I really think it deserves to be recognized as a true weapon of war. Doesn't blinding your enemy with metallic overload count for something?

What kind of "scoop" did Ultraman get?

While being interviewed by a female reporter looking into a corruption case, a 38-year old Nagasaki cop supposedly said, "Come and sit in my lap and I'll give you your scoop." Then he fondled and caressed her. This being Japan (not lawsuit-happy America), the reporter stayed quiet for a long time, bathing in humiliation and suffering silently from post-traumatic stress disorder. The cop has since handed in his resignation and now pays women to sit on his lap with money, not information.

While I did interview other professional perverts in the past, I declined this guy's invitation to come over to his place to get "the full scoop."

Read the full story here.
*The yellow guy holding Ultraman's hand is Peepo, the Japanese police mascot, named after the sound of a cop car siren.

Bitching wars on the Tokyo subway, Part 2

(Read the first half of this story here)

The next morning, as promised, Kayoko met us at Ebisu station at 7:23am. Adrenaline pumping, knuckles cracking (nah, not really), we speed-walked across Shinjuku station toward the Chuo Line. Traces of nervousness trickled through my system, but the presence of our brave warrior princess ally wiped them clean instantaneously. Lara and I couldn't fight to save our lives, but we were ready to knock those naggy, slutty Japanese school girls out cold with Kayoko's mighty fighting spirit.

Our savior-to-be showed no hint of emotion. We took a dramatic pause at the top of the magnificent staircase leading down to the platform. "Where are they?" She asked. Lara and I peered over the mechanically bobbing heads--dandruff-infested, combed over, pig-tailed, platinum blond-dyed, all the typical Japanese varieties--but the perfect black locks of the Terrible Triplets were nowhere to be found.

"Ummmm...They should be here..." we said, stepping down slowly into the sea of commuters--eyes scanning the crowd, hoping they wouldn't creep up and strangle us from behind with their Winnie the Pooh cell phone straps.

If they didn't strangle us, I had a pretty good idea of what could happen next. Kayoko would grab QueenBee by the ends of her loose socks and toss her against a smelly train pervert, who would seize the opportunity to pull out his hand mirror and gaze longingly up her blue kilted uniform skirt. Meanwhile, Lara and I would bonk our stunned enemies on the head with our Biology textbooks, messing up their perfect hair. Then we'd steal all their Pooh bear paraphernalia, throw them on the tracks, and watch with glee as the oncoming train crushes them to a million pieces and the girls scream with the kind of agony only a culture of obsessive collectors of trivial items could understand.

"Is that them?" Kayoko was pointing to a group of girls huddled by the stairs coming up from the underground passageway. Yes, it was! It was them! Holy shit! Lara and I unconsciously backed up behind Kayoko and did girly mini-jumps. Kayoko just ignored us and walked up to the group. The Japanese school girls stood stubbornly in their spot--the triplets lamely hiding behind their Queen, too. And doing girly mini-jumps. And saying, "Oh my gooood, look at them, they brought another friend because they're SCARED." Really loud. I wanted to smack them but I decided to let Kayoko handle it.

To those of you who waited to read the end of this story, I must apologize because the end is slightly anticlimactic. Basically, Lara and I came to the stunning realization that the Japanese school girl top dog is NOTHING compared to the American School in Japan top dog. Queen Bee was like a Pomeranian at a suburban grooming salon for chihuahuas, and Kayoko was like a Great Dane in an inner city dog run.

Pommy started yapping: What the fuck is their problem? You guys think you're tough shit? We're not scared of you. Go back to your country. Stop showing off. Yap yap yap.

Kayoko kept it simple: Don't ever fuck with these girls again, or you will be sorry.

And that's all, folks! After that, the girls never fucked with us again. To celebrate our victory, Lara and I bought poofy pink hair feathers and a little red dog. Here's the memorial photograph.

There are two morals to this story. 1) Don't ever underestimate the power of a simple threat, and 2) Don't start shit you can't finish, unless you know someone who can finish it for you.

The end.

Rock Star Ruby Dog

Nintendogs and Bowlingual put virtual anthromorphization on the map, but now your pup pup can be a rock star! Of course, you have to fulfill all your usual puppy parent duties, like feeding and taking it out. If you're a good dog parent (like me), then your dog will soon be cute, talented, and ready for stardom. Simply sync your Idol Puppy with a Music Station at a game arcade, and you can watch pup pup's commercial debut on the big screen.

Panasonic's kick-ass computerized mattress

Dear Santa,

This year, for Christmas, I would like a Panasonic Programmable Pleasant Sleep Mattress. I have an acute lumbar curve and an extra vertebrae, so my spine is always giving me trouble. I think this mattress will solve all my problems, and that is why you have to put it under my tree, pretty please.

If you bring me this mattress for Christmas, I will press the button labeled "good night" every night before bed, and the 8 internal airbags will take my body on a 10-minute blissful stretching journey--inflating one after another to gently stretch out my neck, my shoulders, my hips, my thighs, my calves... and when I wake up, I'll just lie there while the mattress gently shakes my body awake and smooths out the kinks I developed overnight. My feet will never get cold because of the foot warmer function, and my lower back won't hurt anymore thanks to the lumbar support feature. Plus, if someone stays over, I can change the firmness of the bed by adjusting the air bags, and everyone's happy.

It's only 262,500 yen. I'm sure you make that easy with royalties from the Rudolph franchise alone. Oh, and I know it's only September, but this goes on sale October 10th and I want to make sure I'm the first person in the whole world to have it.

Please. I've been a real good girl, I promise.

Lisa

The world's first ramen burger

A Tokyo ramen shop owner opened the world's first ramen burger joint in Fukuoka. For just 350 yen, you can choose from scallion-pork or chicken ball flavors. I recommend this for Americans who like the taste of ramen but can't master the slurping-through-your-chopsticks thing, or are soup bowl-o-phobic.

Doggy Yogurt

Doggy yogurt! Wait 'til I tell Ruby!!

Shoko No More

Not a great weekend for Shoko Asahara. The half-blind tatami mat storekeeper's son-cum-most hated cult leader in Japan received news of his unalterable death sentence on Saturday. Notorious for orchestrating the Tokyo subway gas attacks of spring 1995, the sleepy-eyed, almost cuddly but very creepy man will be hanged, though nobody but the executioner and his gang know when. (Read more about the death penalty in Japan.)

Here's a tribute to the marvelous world of Aum Shinrikyo that once was but is no longer.

REMEMBERING SHOKO'S WORLD

Members paid to drink Asahara’s bathwater and blood.

Asahara used his telepathic abilities to brainwash Aum members. This was the defence used (unsuccessfully) by some of those who stood trial.

Some followers spent several hours a day wearing the “Perfect Salvation Cap”, which is special leather headpiece attached to a 6-volt battery. As well as keeping their heads warm, this helped them stay in telepathic contact with Asahara.

Aum apartments featured rooms lined with tin foil “to keep out electro- magnetic waves”. That must have been a pain if you wanted to use your Perfect Salvation Cap.

Female cult members were almost entirely attractive young women. To help them focus on spiritual enlightenment, Asahara coerced some into having sex with him. He was probably helped by the fact they weren’t allowed to have sex with anyone else.

Aum was manufacturing LSD and using it in cult rituals. Asahara toyed with the idea of flying an LSD-loaded crop-duster over rush-hour Tokyo.

(courtesy of Japan Reference)

Alien girl retains 90% body heat with spacesuit blanket

This aluminmum blanket promises to keep you warm and dry in an emergency situation. These lightweight aluminmum sheets were originally manufactured for use in spacesuits, but now they come in the form of 580 yen "blankets."

You probably don't want one (I don't), but you have to admit the woman modeling it looks super cute and cozy in it, like a little alien.

The one on the right is a politician.

This is Japan's newest Upper House cabinet member. Say hello. And whatever you do, don't fuck with her or you'll be the next human pretzel in red pleather.

How to make a lovable husband in 10 days

In Japan, wife-husband dialogues typically go like this:

Hubby: I'm home.
Wifey: Would you like dinner first or your bath first?
Hubby: Bring me a beer.
Wifey: Okay. How was your day?
Hubby: I'm tired.
Wifey: Well, I'll leave dinner on the table for you then. And I'll warm up the bath water.
Hubby: (Grunt)

Takara Tomy's new product, Vitamin for Married-Couple, promises to break this vicious cycle. Using questions based off of Minnesota's Lutheran Prepare/Enrich program, this machine puts disenfranchised couples through a chemistry evaluation and conversational training program, producing--at the end of it all--a lovable, conversational husband that you never even knew existed.

A note to inarticulate Japanese hubbies: If you don't want to get your ass kicked by the new divorce law, you better buy this shit and start programming yourself.

Another professional pervert!

It is just after dark, and a young man is riding his bicycle down an inconspicuous municipal road in Chiba. He sees a woman walking idly down the street--seeing an opportunity, he swoops beside her and grabs one of her perky breasts.

"Kyyaaaa!" The woman screams.

Hearing the unmistakable sound of a damsel in distress, our 20-year old hero, who is walking nearby, catches up with the cyclist, throws him to the ground, and calls the cops. We later find out that the culprit is none other than Tetsushi Omura, a senior official at the Ichikawa Municipal Government. (He mans the facilities for the handicapped.)

This is a true story. It happened yesterday. I didn't talk to Omura after his arrest, but investigators did. "I did it because I was stressed out," he confessed. Whatever, dude. I don't care how important you think you are. You're just another professional pervert, infringing upon the safety and integrity of Japanese women who trust you to behave.

Women throws dog

A 39-year old Hokkaido woman stole a cute little bulldog last month and took it home. (I don't know if he was on a skateboard. But he was waiting for his owner outside a pharmacy.) You'd think to steal a dog you must want something from it, like love, or companionship, or a good meal. But when the dog's owner--who had put up flyers all over town and followed a clue--showed up at the thief's 6th floor apartment, the crazy whore threw Woof Woof over the balcony.

Read the full story (though there's not much more to it)

News flash: prime minister candidates busy having "man time"

I just called and left a message with the prime minister candidates to get their comments on the Manners Game I wrote about yesterday. Apparently they're in the middle of a friendly man-on-man-on-man pre-election afternoon tea party, so I decided not to interrupt. What do I know about man-on-man-on-man anyway. I got nothing. Maybe they'll call me back tomorrow.

True story: Bitching wars on the Tokyo subways

I used to commute by train to high school, one hour each way. Every morning, my girl friend Lara and I met on the Japan Railways platform at Ebisu, second car from the back, the one that pulls into Shinjuku station at exactly 7:32am. Sometimes Jesse (who's now the hot shot lead singer of a popular J-rock bank called Rize) and some other kids a couple years younger than us rode with us too. Other times, it was just me and Lara left to our own devices in the midst of suited up businessmen and loose socks-wearing schoolgirls. That's when the trouble started.

There were these three high school girls who rode our train who liked to glare at us and talk smack a little too loudly under their breath. "Look at those two, they're just showing off by pretending to read English textbooks. They're soooo stupid."

To which we'd reply: "You're just jealous because you're UGLY."

Sometimes we strategized on what to say the next day. Where to stand in the train so we could get the most dirt on them, without them getting to us first. The bitching escalated daily.

Then, one day, the Japanese school girls brought their boss. The queen bee, the top dog, the one who could wipe out our egos and shut our nagging mouths with one flap of her wings of dominance. For the half hour that we were stuck in each others' presence, Queen Bee just observed, giving us a thorough inspection and taking mental notes in her evil brain. All the while, her entourage giggled and smirked and fiddled with their perfectly straight thick black hair.

By the time Lara and I got to school that morning, we were admittedly scared. Queen Bee was planning an attack, and it was certain to happen the next morning, on that same train, at the very same time. If we didn't show up, we'd be admitting defeat. But if we showed up alone, there was no way would win. Bringing the younger boys, Jesse and his gang, wouldn't help our cause either. It had to be girl on girl.

So we summoned the best weapon we had, and that was our friend Kayoko. The mother of all queen bees, protector of all souls in desperate need of someone tougher and braver to stand their ground for them. We explained the mess we'd gotten ourselves into, and asked her if she could take the train with us the next morning. Kayoko agreed. The war was officially on...and our enemies didn't even know what was coming.

To be continued...

Bust your own ghosts

Holy shit. This product could put an entire industry of Ghostbusters out of business. Created by toy company Solid Alliance, this "Ghost Radar" uses sensory technology and an internal bioclock to measure signs of an otherworldly presence, like changes in magnetic fields and body temperature. A set of 16 LED lights and spooky whooooo!-ing sounds warn ghost hunters of nearby spirits. Varying light patterns tell you what kind of ghost you're encountering so you know what to expect. Who's that knocking on my door? Is it Casper making a friendly visit or the Shining twins just being freaky as usual?

The Ghost Radar comes in black and white and is quickly selling out. Hundreds of successful hunters are posting their findings and haunt sites on an online bulletin.

The manners game smells funny.

Are you a silly man? In just 10 minutes a day, this DS Lite game will teach you basic manners and social skills. Using what Nintendo calls a Common Sense Chart, your knowledge of everything from classical music to where to sit when sharing a cab with your superiors from work will be carefully charted.

On the one hand, I'm a huge advocate of this game. I wish it had a component on how to treat women, and I wish there was a US version so I don't have to hear any more stupid pick up lines from tactless guys.

But I think it also stinks of politics. My wonderfully delicious conspiracy theory: fearful of declining social morale and the culturally confused youth, the ministries teamed up with Nintendo to create this game and put Japanese society back on their track. Maybe those conniving prime minister candidates are behind it too. I think I'll call them up tomorrow and ask--you know, just in case.