The Quarantine Office and the Roppongi Choco Pie

I always get in trouble in Tokyo. This is a scolding culture, where older person has the inherent right to scold younger person, man has the inherent right to scold woman, and proper has the inherent right to scold fuck-up. It's one thing I hate, but experience every time I come back. So far, I've been back for 2 days and I got in trouble twice.

Lisa in Trouble #1: The Case of the Missing Zero

Every time my dog Ruby comes to Tokyo, she has a ton of paperwork to fill out for the quarantine office at Narita Airport. It requires writing her microchip number multiple times and writing down the dates and details of her rabies shots and antibody titers. Form A, Form C, Import Application Form, Import Approval Form, Rabies Laboratary Test Form, Health Certificate, blah blah blah. You have to do it exactly right. But I fucked up because I forgot one zero in one of the multiple times I wrote her microchip number.

Mr. Stern Face, who is not much older than me, comes to the reception desk looking like somebody died.

"Ms. Katayama, we have a problem," he says. "There is a missing zero on this form. This is a form YOU filled out, which was subsequently stamped by the USDA vet in San Francisco. Isn't that right?"

"Ohhh..." I said, "Sorry about that."

"Under normal circumstances, this would invalidate the form. However, since we have the correct number on the other forms, JUST THIS ONCE we will let you slide. But please! Be very careful next time."

I picked up a pen from the desk and scanned the documents. "Is there anything else..."

The man snatches the papers from in front of me. "No, no, no!" He says frantically. "You must not touch this paper, it will make it unofficial!!" I think he had a spontaneous nervous breakdown. I was sorry, not for the missing zero, but for causing so much grief in the poor man.

Lisa in Trouble #2: The Case of the Choco Pie in a Bar

I'm walking down the sleazy drunk streets of Roppongi. It's a Friday night. Looking for fun. Suddenly, I hear Living on a Prayer, arguably the best and worst universal bar song of all time. It's coming from Motown House, one of those free entry cheesy joints that welcome anyone and everyone regardless of how they're dressed or how drunk they are.

I bounced into the bar without a thought in my head except for the innate desire to want to be in the midst of Bon Jovi's emotion-filled wailing. I was holding a Choco Pie in my hand--I'd just bought a box at the AM/PM and was so, so happy to be eating it. (If you haven't had Choco Pie before, you are missing out.)

Suddenly I see the bartender tapping the bouncer on the shoulder and pointing desperately at my Choco Pie. Did he want one? I wondered. And as I went for another bite, a hand reached out and intercepted the pie from getting to my mouth. It was the bouncer.

"Hey!" he yelled. "You canNOT bring that here!"

He almost grabbed it out of my hand, but I was prepared. I held on tight.

"You gotta take that out, now! It is NOT allowed in here!" He tried to grab it again. I quickly dodged left, then, as he was hurling towards me, quickly ran out the door. My Choco Pie and I were safe. Living on a Prayer was almost over, anyway, so I decided not to try again.

Comments

[amida23]

That's crazy! I think this stuff just doesn't happen in Kansai.

[DB]

This stuff constantly infuriates me. I was not off the plane for 3 minutes last month when someone told me I was in the wrong line (I wasn't). There is no good way to say 'Mind your own fucking business' in Japanese because the very concept doesn't exist here.

[john]

it's DOKE! or OMEE KANKEI NEE!
lisa, you live the wild life. never cross a woman and her choco pie.

[amida23]

DB: You're a gaijin with a resident visa, right? I know that scene.